And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
