I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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