You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
