Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
