I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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