***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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