Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
