I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
should my penis look like a turkey
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
