first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
