i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
