i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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