i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
