My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
