Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
