Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
