blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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