Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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