if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
