im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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