so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
True college students do jello shots in the library
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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