Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
