I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
