I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
