it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
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just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
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I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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