So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
