I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
