i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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