please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
