tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
