I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
