Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
