new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
