If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
