Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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