I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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