So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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