I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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