How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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