I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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