Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
