Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
