For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
