I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
