That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
