What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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