mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
