you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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