I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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