I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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