if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
