That's when you crack a 10am beer
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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