Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
