I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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