I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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